Trusting I am right where I need to be..
Looking back over the span of 10 years, I can look back now and actually laugh at my actions. If anyone was looking on , they’d have thought I was crazy I’m sure. Whilst in the mist of my separation from my than husband, I was picking our horses stall , throwing it over my shoulder with anger and actually hitting the wheel barrel! Go figure! The anger was at myself for not having the back bone to ask for a divorce. I was hurting. I was stuck in the ‘not knowing how” phase. Not trusting myself….. So as I flung it high in the sky over my shoulder, I’d yell out , “Okay God , if this marriage is to be over, the only way would be for him to have an affair ! ” Now that surprised me for starters! So unlike me! So not realizing law of attraction…… be careful what you wish for!!
Next, I surprised myself again, when an affair was now confirmed, and a decision had to be made. It was clear it was being left to me. Making decisions back than was almost torturous …. was I doing the right thing? I loved my family, I loved my than husband, through it all. I didn’t understand , there wasn’t any communication back than, a huge missing for sure. I simply hadn’t known how to deal with the situation and it was easier to walk away perhaps than to stay and fight. I felt overwhelmed , at the end of my rope…. desperate. I attempted to reach out for support to no avail.
I had been praying each night for strength , hope and my marriage to work. I taken my vows very seriously … to death do us part … no one was dying…. yet, except me inside and of course and our children, the impact was on all of us, not just me and I remained hopeful he’d change his mind and come home.
On this one particular night, I remember so vividly dropping to my knees bedside, something I’d never done prior and praying “God if this marriage should or shouldn’t be, it’s now in your hands, I’m prepared to let it go if..I released it to the ethers and climbed into my bed.
Crying for what seemed like hours. I remember so vividly as if it was yesterday feeling exhausted, and no recall of ever actually sleeping however , it seemed so real. The sensations of opening a door in a lit room and darkness on the other side. I knew instinctually once I would open the door, there would be no going back … I stepped through into the darkness, heard the door slam and the feeling of falling rapidly into the dark abyss. The feeling of speed and air against my face, the air cool and crisp… even thought I was falling quickly, I knew and trusted I would land on my feet.
When I walked into the light, I was radiating calmness and peace… I knew and trusted I was in a good space . I wasn’t alone. It was my truly first experience of having faith and trusting the unknown that I remembered so vividly.
The next day I went to the attorneys office and signed the papers, one of the hardest things to this day I ever had to do. The experience was one of expansion and growth for sure and I will forever be grateful . There was NO surprise when I stepped into forgiveness for ALL involved a few years later….. Peace remains mine and I am happy!