When I was 5 years old, in Kindergarten, the class was givenI an assignment to use my little tiles to create spelling words which were on the front board.
Being the studious child I was, I raised my hand and announced that I hadn't enough tiles to complete the assignment. The teacher began laughing which caused the whole class to laugh, I believed: at me. Turning redder by the moment and wishing to crawl under the desk, the teacher came over to my left side (was that real for me) , put her right hand on my back, still laughing and pointed to the side board to the right of the classroom . Because I was in the front of the classroom, I had to stretch my neck to see the side board which read:
I had no relatedness to this experience because my parents hadn't 'celebrated' this 'Holiday". In an instant I withdrew from others , their laughter echoing in my brain. I wanted to hide under the desk or in the closet , just to escape the shame and pain I felt in the moment. I made it mean I must be 'Stupid" and I don't know anything.
Throughout my academic career, I withdrew . Never to be embarrassed again. While I knew the answers to questions future teachers asked me, my immediate response was always, "I don't know". Of course I had, however, my answer was always, I hadn't known. It had me self doubting my answers after a time. Insecure for sure. "I don't know", became my mantra and belief system.
Of course as life progressed, at 16, now seeking evidence to this truth... I went on an interview at a veterinarian 's office for a summer job as that was going to be my chosen profession. I was so excited!! While walking through this Dr's back office, there had been a tall filing cabinet with a ceramic head of a dog with a joint hanging from it's mouth.
Curious, I asked, "what's that?". Once more the familiar long ago laugh....the Veterinarian looked down at me through his wire rimmed glasses and asked what my school grades were.
"A's and B's" I replied.
"Well, than you will never get into Veterinary school with those grades!" was his retort! All I heard was Never! Not enough again!!
Ahh, now I had evidence to support my "being stupid", coupled with "not enough". Feeling dejected, I gave up my dream of Veterinary medicine. Took on my mothers dream of becoming a Nurse, playing it safe, and make others happy.
These incidences hadn't meant life hadn't had it's challenges along the way....
I fell in love with someone who hadn't supported me in raising above these beliefs, as I came with my set and he with his. Wasn't a blame, we were young and inexperienced and hadn't known what we knew now. Although neither were aware of them at the time, I gave up my career to support his and our growing family, because "his mom stayed home with the raising the children, while he brought home the bacon" conversation in the background. Yes sir! I loved him and wished to support him. I had little self esteem back than. Without being nurtured, I began to fade. I hadn't know how to nurture myself , let alone a relationship and all the peripherals. Unable to give back. I kept hearing through the alcohol how I wasn't enough, not doing things correctly (by who's standards?? ) caused me to hide behind my children.. 'not enough". I lived in existence spaces.
I wasn't thin enough, so I'd work out, exhausting myself in the process. Just to prove I was worthy. Yoga 3 x/ week for my Mind/ Soul. Weights 3 x/ week for my Body, Riding my horse 3 + times a week for my Spirit, Spin Instructor 5 x/ week for Peace of Mind. Still not enough. To the degree after my divorce I let myself go weight wise. It was exhausting!
Recently some 10 years later.... I was going through my clothes and found a once favorite top in my closet which I offered to my middle daughter who is short and petite. Adorable I might add. She tried it on and it fit. I stood fixated. I had mentioned this experience with my girlfriend who knew me back when....and told me I was as thin as my daughter back than. I had never seen myself as thin, how could I , not being enough! Ouch. I am enough even at X more pounds plus. Okay, not that huge, sad to look back on how I had allowed myself to get so hooked into the sabotage of Self.
Soon after my having my fill of 'never enough', I was coming from the Courthouse with the ink still wet from signing the divorce papers., I felt once more like a failure, broken marriage, freaking out, fearful of the inevitable change which was coming next . Not enough showed it's creepy head once more.... I had believed that my "I do's" where for life. Feeling disheartened All I desired was a space of Peace and Freedom.I had been praying for Freedom for sometime now. On the way back to my home I was thinking of my to do lists: our horses needed hay, I'd be passing the feed store (check) , the children needed dinner (I'd pick something simple up, check) and I couldn't stop for my meltdown anytime soon(double check!) .
While at the feed store purchasing hay, I ran the truck over a license plate. Flat tire on the spot. Distraught and drawn and already feeling like crying, I tossed the plate in the back of my truck, piled on the hay , fixed the flat , and off to the barn all before the girls got home from school.
At the barn the tears came....as I lugged the heavy bales of hay to the barn and swept the last of its remnants out of the back of the truck, I stopped to pick up the license plate.
As I turned it over to view it, I was a taken back .... on the front of the plate the word
Freedom is mine! I took the Universal wink and knew I'd be alright. In that moment I began the task of taking myself on. Determined to get of the hamster wheel.
Fast forward: at a Creativity Retreat , we were handed a blank canvas asked to paint some thing . A medium I hadn't dabbled in prior. I was actually okay with the idea . 'I will attempt this one', was the internal conversation, until I made the mistake of looking around the room at everyone else, comparing myself and feeling smaller by the moment. I felt myself getting cold, fidgety, anxious and actually left the room. Not good enough, crept in through the rafters once more!!! Forcing myself to get in there an make an attempt. After all I committed to taking me on and expanding. Be with it. Okay, I'll attempt... really confronted, I left early, .... again. Ugh, hate when those darn beliefs showed their ugly head.
At a later conference, I shared my experience with the same instructor who was there as well and funny, it seemed to me she immediately personalized it. See where we go. After assuring her it wasn't her instruction, it was me and I was "hands on" artistic type, sculpting , jewelry making, embroidery, basket weaving , etc. I "worked with my hands, not a brush" . The instructor laughed and said," yes you can and will."
Once more I repeated the "can't " conversation... after laughing once more , now feeling playful, less threatened and challenged in a new space... I agreed to meet on Skype. Imagine myself painting over the internet... not only had I painted over the internet... I decided to trust myself and paint the last of the canvas by candle light with a glass of wine... I had fun.... the result... I painted... I CAN when I put my mind to it and get myself out of my own way!!
The good news is I've learned to grow from these 'mistakes". I now enjoy calling them 'Failing Forward" with a smile planted firmly on my face! What I learned from the experience looking back on it today, I've learned the power of our belief systems and the importance of shifting these contexts. Once I stood in my power and realized I wasn't stupid, perhaps did stupid things now and than, the key is I've learned to laugh at them while reminding myself I'm not stupid at all. On the contrary! I hadn't known how to tap into that power and now I have the skillsets and tanacity to inquire, research, study and Ask! Ask and you shall receive!!
The world has become my oyster. I've become the sponge!I Once I learned to get myself out of my own way and further explore possibilities which today seem endless, my confidence grew. I've learned that no person can create my happiness but myself. I've learned to dream again and give myself permission to step into a Creative space as we are all born to be Creative individuals. Giving myself permission without significance was key for me.
I've shifted the energy into turning my 'mistakes' into successes and being grateful for the experience and lessons. Today I've recreated myself to be a Creative Problem Solver, as a Healing modality as business for myself out of the adversity and with joy!
Today I love my life, I enjoy supporting others in a holistic manner by teaching you how to get out of their own way, supporting one's Well Being while giving permission to play and explore.
What I will continue to do differently in the future is continually explore my inner workings, getting myself out of the way so I may better serve others without opinions nor judgments... I've been there.
As I've learned to creatively support these dialogs through creativity and play I now including our horse Truman's adversity of lightning strike in my practice. Together we are catalysts for change!
It's our belief now that Life is meant to be lived full out being happy, to grow and learn from our mistakes rather than fear making them. As long as I am learning from them .... I am alive!