When I was 5 y/o and the studious type . I was sitting in the front row diligently doing my 1st grade assignment of taking my tile letters and recreating the spelling words on the chalkboard in which the teacher had written. 

 

I raised my hand… “I’m out of letters”, the teacher began to laugh. The whole class laughed… I just wanted to crawl under the table and hide.  Ms Snow White , who she reminded me of with her flowing golden locks came over to my chair, squatted down on my left side and put her hand on my back. Still laughing, she pointed to the side board… I had to actually turn my whole little body around to see  the side board which boasted in very large letters:   “April Fools Day!”   Oh yeah, I felt like a fool.   I stared blankly at the board… blinked my eyes again and yet still it hadn’t computed for my 5 year old brain.   I had no reference of relatedness to this statement. The laugher began to pound in my head. In that instant I told myself I must be “stupid” …Silently, I continued in my head with the thoughts of, “ I will never answer another question in school ever again.”  Thus, the “I don’t know ” was born. 

 

My whole high school career, I was an A/ B student,  I’d be asked a question,  without batting an eye, I’d responded: “I don’t know”.  Next.

 

My father,  had me write my spelling words 100 times each and if I missed one, I’d have to do it again and again….How I resented him! If I hadn’t brought home an A on my exams, I’d be asked, “why hadn’t you gotten and A?”  Now, not only “stupid” I got to cupel it with “not enough”. Ugh, trials and tribulations of growing pains.

 

As history has it, I began feeling and believing I wasn’t enough. Most of my adult life it kept showing up for me, in relationships, in school, finances, etc…. What is success anyway?? 

 

I’d learned if I change my thoughts, I have the ability to change my mind, mostly of those old belief patterns which no longer served.    

 

Many of these patterns had create a space of guilt and shame.  Now that was a heavy load for anyone for sure!! 

 

We all carry some form of baggage, some more than others.  Mostly leading to a feeling of being not enough, not heard, not understood, not loved…. get the point? 

Then of course there’s others thoughts, feelings and opinions… for me, it was the need to please and not only believing but, being  enough.  It became even more exhausting.   All these deceptions robbed me of my joy.  I felt like the walking dead!

 

Guilt was overwhelming and causing more and more pain. My pain became a way of escaping.  Thankfully it wasn’t with drugs and booze.  It was in other modalities which pained just as much. My body spoke to me, I hadn’t heard, wasn’t listening, my trust wavered, mostly in myself.  This created higher expectations for myself of how I believed others should be. Of course, unreachable!  If I’m thinking this thought, why aren’t they??  

 

Than there must be something wrong with me if I’m so different than others.  Now I’m truly “not enough.”  Many of us deal with our challenges through the lens of denial. Denial can be a problem.  If I don’t look, I won’t have to see. It’s all perception.  If I don’t see, then I can stay in my little cocoon, my comfort zone, not having to be responsible for myself. I’m safe there. Or so I thought. 

 

My pain allowed no freedom to be..  Feeling stuck and stopped, the word “Freedom” gnawed at my brain.  The sound became louder, the pull became stronger… I began searching for something bigger than myself.. I kept attracting more and more things into my life which I believed caused me pain. 

 

Today I see these challenges, people, things as lessons to grow and expand from. The more I identified the route causes of my pains, the less of a hold these challenges had over me. It took work, it took tears, it took trials and tribulations and getting up and doing it again and again and before I knew exactly what I was doing… I’d created new habits, a new way of being for my life on purpose!

 

Success for me is having found freedom to be in my own skin, trusting I am enough, I am worthy and I am loved.  I am now fully able to give love, receive love and give of myself to others.  I love myself and I love my life today. This is what I believe the essence of success is all about, it’s created joy and fulfillment in life on many levels. Is it easy? No. Does it come with its ebbs and flows? Yes!  It’s all part of a journey and the willingness to let go of the guilt, the punishment and the stories we tell ourselves. 

 

It takes discipline and creating new habits in every area of ones life and the personal responsibility in owning, trusting and loving the outcome. Oh yes, and being open to learning something new. Taking risks.  We don’t know what we don’t know and being okay with not knowing. The willingness to be open ,seek and learn.   It’s all perception anyway and you get to decide what filters will best serve your life now.

 

Freedom comes with forgiveness and learning to let go. Both go a long way when we choose to change sprinkled with a bit of Imagination, fun and play. It’s only significant if I choose to remain in the drama of the past. The gift is truly in the present.

 

I remain in gratitude Always to all those “Angels” who have passed through my life for a reason or season to support me where I am today. Especially to those whom have chosen to stay. I appreciate you all.